Byron Katie Reid entered middle age depressed by her divorce, going in a downward spiral of self-pity.

Then one morning, from the depths of despair, she experienced a life-changing realization.
Katie saw that when she believed that something should be different than it is (“My husband should love me more,” “My children should appreciate me”), she suffered, and that when she didn’t believe these thoughts, she felt peace. She realized that what had been causing her depression was not the world around her, but the beliefs she had about the world around her. In a flash of insight, Katie saw that our attempt to find happiness was backward—instead of hopelessly trying to change the world to match our thoughts about how it should be, we can question these thoughts and, by meeting reality as it is, experience unimaginable freedom and joy.
                                                                                            http://www.thework.com/WhoIsByronKatie.asp

She has taken this realization around the world in seminars and workshops, elaborating on a process she calls “the work.”  The Work consists of four steps, or questions:

    1. Is it true?
    2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
    3. How do you react when you think that thought? (When you believe that thought?)
    4. Who would you be without the thought?

The first question is about finding reality.  We tell ourselves so many stories that we set ourselves up for failure – like kids should be quiet.  Is that true?  Look at kids worldwide.  How many of them are advanced meditative mystics?  No, worldwide you see kids laughing and playing loudly.  The only time they are quiet is when some charity is trying to get you to sponsor a child.  The child invariably has brown eyes and stares silently at the camera.

It seems that being loud is part of the definition of being childish.  So what is the reality of childhood?  Is it being realistic to expect children to be quiet?  I remember this past Christmas my grandson Jonathon helped me tape all our Christmas cards along the edge of the large mirror in our dinning room. When we put the last one up, he started jumping up and down and squealing.  This usually annoys me, but on that day I was wise enough to turn to Ben in the other room and say, “I’d ask him to act his age, but I am afraid that he may actually be acting his age.”  Nine-year-olds tend to get excited three days before Christmas.

If we did not expect kids to be quiet, we would spend less time yelling at them.  They do get better at being quiet as they get older, so maybe we should not take our baby to the symphony and expect them to be quiet.  They will never learn to be quiet.  When we yell at them to shut up, we are not a very good model of behavior.

Byron Katie writes:  "If you want something to be different than it is, you might as well teach a cat to bark. You can try and try, and in the end the cat will look up at you and say, 'Meow.'  Wanting something to be different than it is, is hopeless."

Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it.  What is, is. You don’t get a vote.  Haven’t you noticed:  When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100% of the time.

At the level of the first question, she is an advocate of practicality.  Why fight reality?  It only hurts us.  Love what is.  We do not have to make the world better in order to love it.  We do not have to make our children better in order to love them.  We do not have to improve our partner.  We do not have to make ourselves better before loving ourselves.

Love the world.
Love your children.
Love your lover.
Love your self.
Now.

I have trouble with this.  I see the world has problems.  Children often behave differently than I want.  I wish I was better.  I can’t just sit by and let things go to hell.  I’ve got to do something.  But Byron Katie’s philosophy is not one of giving up.  It is choosing how we use the precious energy of our life.  Why fight against what cannot be changed?

But just because gravity exists does not mean we cannot fly.  Imagine the windswept beach of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.  What would have happened if the Wright brothers had declared gravity to be morally wrong?  They would have worked against it instead of working with it.  They might have been sitting on round boulders and wished them into the sky.

So the first question is, Is it true?  Is something outside ourselves causing our problem?  Sometimes the answer is clearly yes.

That is why Byron Katie asks the second question:  Can you absolutely know that it's true?  This is a question of epistemology, which is a fancy philosophical term for the question, How do we know what we know?  Is it possible to know what we don’t know?  What can we know absolutely?  This is right in line with Unitarian Universalist epistemology.  We enjoy the exception to the rule.  We seek a higher power as we define it.  Ultimate reality is subject to our perception.  Even if there is something true, our limited perspective prevents us from really knowing.  Maybe reality is only our perception.

This might lead some people to despair.  If there is no right or wrong, how can I know what to do?  How do I decide?  How can life have a purpose if every direction I turn might be a figment of my imagination? 

Byron Katie reacts differently.  There is joy in not knowing.  She sees this as a ticket to freedom, an opportunity to create our own reality.  There is joy in not knowing.  “I don’t know” is my favorite position.  We suffer only until we realize that we can’t know anything.  The world is my perception of it.  I see and hear only through the filter of my story.  Ultimately, I am all I can know.

You either believe what you think or you question it.  There’s no other choice.

This questioning kicks into high gear by the time she asks question 3:  How do you react when you think that thought – when you believe that thought?  Where does the feeling hit you?  Where do you feel it in your body when you believe that thought?  How far does the feeling travel?  Describe it.  What pictures do you see when you believe that thought?  Watch it, be still, notice.  When did that thought first occur to you?  How do you treat others when you believe that thought?  What do you say to them?  What do you do?  Whom does your mind attack and how?   Be specific.

How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought?  Is this where addictions kick in and you reach for food, alcohol, credit cards, the TV remote?  Do thoughts of self-hatred occur?   What are they?

We act as if our beliefs are true.  If someone says something that hurts our feelings, we might tell a story saying that person is mean.  Every time we see them, we look for mean behavior to confirm our story.  If they act nice to us, we wonder, What’s their real agenda?

Think about your interpersonal life.  If this sounds familiar, go to Question 4:  Who would you be without the thought?  How would you live life differently if you didn't believe that thought?  Close your eyes and imagine life without it.  Imagine you are meeting this person for the very first time with no story. What do you see?  Who are you right now, sitting here without that thought?

Byron Katie encourages us to forget our stories and live now.  Zen Buddhists talk about living in the present moment.   Stockbrokers say past perfomance is no guarantee of future earnings.

When we change our story of the world, our world changes.  Past perceptions are no guarantee of future perceptions.

Byron Katie takes the process one step further:  Turn the thought around.   (Statements can be turned around to yourself, to the other, to the opposite, and to "my thinking," wherever it applies. Find a minimum of three genuine examples in your life where each turnaround is as true or truer than your original statement.)

This resembles the psychological concept of projection.  We project onto others what we hate in ourselves.  If we think someone does not like us, we probably somewhere inside of us do not like them.  We need to look honestly at our part in any interpersonal problem.  It is not about taking the blame from others and blaming yourself; it is about stopping the story of blame.  It is about radical universalism, about loving your neighbor as yourself.  Loving yourself just as you are – that is the starting point.

When I am perfectly clear, what is is what I want.  Everyone and everything is doing its job perfectly—no mistake.