Are We Still Talking About Gays?

A sermon by the Rev. Daniel Charles Davis

for the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Winston-Salem

June 12, 2005

Are we still talking about gays? Yes, we even made it more inclusive – gays and lesbians, which evolved to gay, lesbians and bisexuals. But that still excluded those who were physically one gender but psychologically the other gender, so we started talking about gays, lesbians, bisexual and transgendered.

But what about those who are unsure? Okay, it is gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and questioning. But what about the one in a thousand people whose genitalia are actually hard to define? Okay, now we can talk about the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, questioning and intersexed – the GLBTQI community. GLBTQI is hard to say, so for the sake of simplicity I will say gay, by which I mean GLBTQI. So yes, we are still talking about gays. But it means so much more.

During the Civil Rights struggle, whites who supported blacks were called n ––– lovers. Following that logic, heterosexuals who support homosexuals should be called gay lovers. Thus, they must be gay too.

Psychoanalysts have theorized that those who are hostile towards gays are often latent homosexuals experiencing a reaction formation. Thus, the whole religious Right is gay. After all, the men seem to have hair that is a bit too perfect. I guess Kurt Cobain was right when he sang “Everyone is gay.”

So yes, we are still talking about gays, even at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Winston-Salem. But what else is there to say? Haven’t we already talked about everything? Wasn’t this congregation one of the first to become a welcoming congregation way back in 1989? Didn’t we tie a big pink ribbon around the fellowship? Such a public display! It made the paper.

We have had gay teachers in RE, gays and lesbians in leadership positions, chairing committees and on the Board. We have hired gay staff. How many churches have a gay choir director? Let me rephrase that: How many churches knowingly have a gay choir director?

In some ways, gay has become normalized. We are beyond tokenism where we have to be intentional to make sure gay people are represented. In almost any function of the congregation – First Friday Potluck, merrymaking, dinner circles, the auction, anniversary parties, music recitals – we are gay and straight together. The good thing about gayness being normalized here is that people can be known as whole persons.

When a person first comes out, gayness can be like a neon sign, overwhelming all other aspects of their lives. People are not known as Fred or Nicole; they are known as gay Fred and Nikki the lesbian. Here we know people as parents, symphony lovers, computer geeks, or senior citizens, each free to express their unique sexuality, whatever it may be.

In my former congregation the lesbian choir director said she longed for the day when she could chant, “We’re here, we’re queer…we’re just as boring as you.” I think this congregation has arrived at that point. We are our own little world where being gay or straight does not matter. That is no small accomplishment. We should congratulate ourselves.

But our greatest success is the source of our greatest problem. We may be too comfortable. We are in our own little world where being gay or straight matters little, but to the rest of the world it matters a lot. We can never forget that. We need to choose whether we will hide our light under a bushel or let it shine before all. Other denominations are just beginning to struggle with this issue. We can be their assurance. We can reassure them that community is possible. We can tell them that our congregation is enriched by being open.

I know individuals in this congregation are active. Some sing in the Triad Pride Men’s Chorus. We have hosted regional workshops for UUs and others. Some work with GLSEN to stop bullying in our schools. Others are involved in Equality NC, which works at the state legislature.

A teen from this congregation helped build the AIDS Memorial Garden in Tanglewood, and we help maintain it. Each year we host a dinner to benefit AIDS Care Service. Some volunteer at the alternative prom for kids.

All of these endeavors could use more volunteers. The other side of this issue has no shortage of volunteers.

The luxury of acceptance at this fellowship is not enough. We are still talking about gays because the rest of the world refuses to go away.

Three years ago, things were progressing at a nice pace. Vermont passed civil union laws. The conservative Supreme Court overturned sodomy laws. Slowly but surely acceptance was growing. Then an unexpected victory: A Unitarian Universalist couple in Massachusetts actually won the legal right to be married. Suddenly reality was ahead of people’s readiness. Liberals were hesitant to go beyond civil unions, and the Right fought to ban all contracts between same-sex people.

To use a military metaphor, an army progresses together pushing the front lines; the vanguard leads the way; and the rest follow. In our case the vanguard is 20 miles behind enemy lines. They broke through, and the enemy is isolating them and cutting off their supply lines. The political fallout from their victory has been bad. The anti-gay forces are energized like never before.

We have two choices: stand by and lose the gains we made before marriage became legal in Massachusetts or scramble to the new front line. This congregation has a vigilant scout on the front line. Rodger Junk collects news on all the political battles going on. He e-mails the information to about 20 of us. There is more going on than many of us can handle, but I try to write at least one e-mail per week in support of the cause. The Interweave list could use more people. Let Rodger know after the service if you want to be included.

But the political is only one front. We need to talk about gays outside of the congregation. Some of our members cannot talk because if they outed themselves they could lose their jobs. That is why it is even more important for the rest of us to talk. People hear so many horror stories about the homosexual agenda. Someone needs to dispel the myths. Someone has to say, The gays I know are not like that.

The Right speaks from hysteria; we can speak from experience, truthfully and reasonably. They speak from the stories they have been told; we speak from reality.

I think of my own transformation. My sister’s friend found a box of photos of Jim the local shoemaker and some young boys. They were naked. This resulted in Jim being jailed. So in my town we used the word Jim or shoemaker to refer to someone who was gay. There was no distinction made between gay and pedophile, and many people today get the issues confused. Some are even senators.

Most of the victims of child sexual abuse are young girls molested by men, but we do not hear the fear of straight men rampant in our society. We must correct people whenever they equate gays with pedophiles.

In college I remember being hesitant about the Equal Rights Amendment because of what a tv preacher said. He said if we cannot discriminate on the basis of sex, homosexual lawyers will interpret sex as sexual behavior and legalize homosexuality.

I remember when I began to turn away from fear. I took a sociology class on marriage and family from an elderly woman who said that gay couples were just a different type of family. When we asked about her family, she mentioned she had a roommate. Years later, an alumnus told me she was a lesbian.

There was a man who called me and another young man on the campus chapel council. He wanted to meet us and have sex. We were concerned and told the chaplain. I suggested that we could meet the guy and have several people beat him up and turn him in. The chaplain talked us out of that and told us just to hang up the phone and the calls would stop. They did.

I am surprised at the hostility I had in me. I look back and it seems like a different person. Things really changed for me when I moved to Chicago. I started playing music at clubs on the North Side. Several of the clubs that had open mics were gay bars. I was 22, and about 100 pounds thinner. I was well received. I figured they must like my music ‘cause they are buying me drinks. But after a while we were all just musicians and friends. I actually dated Margot. She said, “This is strange because I’m a lesbian. I never thought I would date a guy.” I replied, “I am a Christian. I never thought I’d be dating a lesbian.” Margot moved to San Francisco.

Shortly after, we did a benefit concert for the family of Christopher Street. He was a folk singer, the first person I knew who died of AIDS. AIDS would also take my friend Larry. It seemed that just as gays were being more accepted by society, suddenly they were being blamed for this horrible disease. By that time I was in seminary. My roommate Richard came out as gay. Another of our roommates, Bill, commuted to Chicago from Detroit and slept in Rich’s room for three days each week when he was in town. We were all in our 20s. Bill was a retired autoworker in his 50s. We wondered how he would take Rich coming out. He took it surprisingly well – until one morning: I was eating breakfast with him. He noticed a large pair of high heels under the table. Nervously he asked, “Charlie what are those?” I said, “Those belong to my friend Gail. We went out last night and her high heels were hurting. She’s about the same size as me so she wore my sneakers home.” He said, “Thank God! I have been so calm until now, but that would have been too much.”

People learn at different rates. Different things make them uncomfortable. Even in this congregation there are people who are uncomfortable. They may not like any public discussion of sex. They may respect your sexuality because they respect your right to privacy but feel that these things should be kept private. But again, I talk about gays, even though it may bore some of our activists. And others wish we could just move on to the next topic. But there are new people who need to hear our welcoming message. We should not avoid a topic just because it might frighten somebody.

I also talk about atheists and what they bring to this community. I read recently that more people were willing to vote for a gay president than were willing to vote for an atheist.

We talk about gays because we believe that every person has the right to be who they are. The affirmation of individual rights is basic to our tradition. And there is always room for growth. Each of you, gay or non-gay, can do something more. It may be as little as increasing your understanding. Some gays do not believe bisexuals really exist . Read the stories of bisexuals. Some hets might think this is all a bit strange. Seek the common humanity you share with others. Some activists are burned out. Listen to music by gay artists and relax for a while. Some of us have been dormant. It is time to join the struggle. It is all around.

Myself, I am taking a step. I have been marrying gays and lesbians since 1992. I have been doing heterosexual weddings for the same amount of time, the difference being that when I do a traditional marriage I act as an agent of the state, conferring privileges upon those who are of different genders. In the future I will not do this. I will not act as an agent of a state that is unjust. It has taken me two years to come to this position. It may not make a change, but then again it might. I will do only religious marriages, blessing those who wish to be united in love. [See “Minister’s Musings” immediately below.]

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Minister’s Musings: Religious Marriage*

There are two types of marriage: religious marriage, which is the blessing by a minister of a particular faith tradition; and civil marriage, which gives a couple special legal standing in the state.

I have been performing weddings since 1992. If the couple were heterosexual, I performed both types of marriage. But if they were the same sex, I was allowed, by law, to do only a religious marriage. I was giving them different services yet charging the same price.

When I acted as an agent for the state, I conferred many special rights to heterosexuals.

    Hospital visitation. Married couples have the automatic right to visit each other in the hospital and make medical decisions. Same-sex couples can be denied the right to visit a sick or injured loved one in the hospital.

    Social Security benefits. Married people receive Social Security payments upon the death of a spouse. Despite paying payroll taxes, gay and lesbian workers receive no Social Security survivor benefits – resulting in an average annual income loss of $5,528 upon the death of a partner.

    Health insurance. Many public and private employers provide medical coverage to the spouses of their employees, but most employers do not provide coverage to the life partners of gay and lesbian employees. Gay employees who do receive health coverage for their partners must pay federal income taxes on the value of the insurance.

    Estate taxes. A married person automatically inherits all the property of his or her deceased spouse without paying estate taxes. A gay or lesbian taxpayer is forced to pay estate taxes on property inherited from a deceased partner

-- From the Human Rights Campaign Marriage

 Center, http://www.hrc.org/marriage

These are only four of the hundreds of laws giving special rights to heterosexuals. I first heard a UU minister choosing not to do civil marriages about two years ago. I did not adopt this policy immediately; I had some questions:

    – Will it make a difference? This is hard to measure. Does writing my congressman make a difference? It is my hope to let heterosexual couples who are asking me to marry them know that they have special rights. We are often unaware of our unseen privilege. I am talking to other ministers about their practices. One Baptist minister said she already performs only religious ceremonies and tells people to handle the legalities at the courthouse. Her reasoning seemed to have more to do with the Baptist tradition of separation of church and state than GLBT issues. As with any boycott, the results may come soon or never. Yet I think now is the time to take a stand.

    – What about my annual pledge payment? Since being a minister, I have directed my ceremonial fees towards my pledge. This revenue may be reduced. I plan to lower my fee by whatever the magistrate charges for a civil marriage. Also, some people may not choose to get married by me when they are informed of my policy. If there is a loss of revenue, I guess I will pay my pledge out of pocket just like the rest of you.

    – What about serving our own members? My contract states: “The minister will provide ceremonial services and counsel to Fellowship members without fee.” (section 2.3.2) This remains unchanged. I will do weddings for heterosexuals and homosexuals alike. Anyone who wants a “church wedding” will get one. If the cost of a civil marriage is an undue burden for a heterosexual couple, I am willing to help them with the minister’s discretionary fund.

My own marriage, a white man to a black woman, was outlawed in many states. These laws were declared unconstitutional in 1967. Change happens because people resist unjust laws. I am thankful to our UUFWS board for sanctioning this redefinition of my duties at the June meeting.

I am willing to talk with anyone who has questions about this policy.

Blessings,

Rev. Charlie

* From the July issue of the UUFWS newsletter Fellowship Matters.